Sammy

After about a year or so of knowing each other online, Sammy and I finally met in person to take photos. It was quite a strange day to do so, as the news was abuzz with the assassination of Charlie Kirk. What a way to paint the events of a very queer, very left-of-center photo project. But Sammy and I were nonetheless not very moved by the news, but maybe more the fact that our country continues to be a violent place.

It was a great way for Sammy to open up a bit about his past, though. As a teen, they were a Trump supporter. I asked what was the motivation behind that, “everyone around me was, and I was in South Carolina.” It’s understandable as a closeted queer teen with a desire to fit in. And from our conversations, I know that Sammy is no longer a Trump supporter. They are also no longer religious, despite having been a youth counselor and baptizing ten people.

I asked more about figuring out their queerness. Sammy, like myself, didn’t realize they were gay until their teens, seventeen in fact. They revealed that at this age they also sexted while at church camp on Snapchat. Sammy had also downloaded Grindr underage, which is how they were outed by their parents.

“I never hooked up with anyone or sent pictures of myself, because I didn’t want to get people in trouble. I just needed other queer people to talk to. I was in Yorba Linda, so you know it isn’t the most gay friendly.”

Yorba Linda is a city in Orange County that for the past decade has been having a culture war in the high schools, banning DEI, forcing trans students to use the wrong restroom and implementing alerts to parents if a child comes out as trans. Sammy would have been in high school for some of this implementation, which clearly would have not fostered a good environment for a queer kid figuring out their sexuality.

We spoke a bit about the role as queer adults when talking to queer kids. It’s tough, because you immediately will be labeled a groomer. But clearly, a lot of these kids need help. I do wish there was an easier way for them to access information for help (you know, not Grindr), but even those resources are being censored or having their funding pulled. There’s always cries of “what about the children?” until that child is queer.

Sammy is non-binary, and I asked them where that revelation came from. They said it was during COVID lockdowns, which is now such a common phenomenon to hear online. When we had a moment to ourselves and reflect, quite a few of us figured out that these labels don’t fit us and maybe we’d be happier transitioning. Sammy is very similar to me, however, not quite feeling like we tick all the arbitrary boxes of “man” or “woman” in our society.

“‘They’ doesn’t even feel right, but I’m OK with it. But I’d like to just be known as ‘Sammy.’”

It was then their interest in the anime Neon Genesis Evangelion made sense. We are both fans of the show, for similar reasons: the loneliness. The main character Shinji Ikari is forced into a world he doesn’t understand, made to do a job he doesn’t want to do. But he does it to make others happy, but no one quite gives him love in return. It’s a beautiful examination of psychology, psychoanalysis and philosophy and the inspiration for the aesthetic of this blog.

“It’s just like the smell of a person that’s concentrated into a small little package and it’s just kind of sexy.”

For that reason they can maybe be seen at bars sniffing and licking people’s armpits.

But the accoutrements like the harness, the jock strap, those were just sexy for the aesthetic. Sammy said they weren’t “into leather,” just that these things look good on people.

But as it always goes, we wrapped up the shoot and said our goodbyes. I had mentioned that we should go to the local furry night, because the furries are just nice folks and I’m still on the lookout for the anti-ICE furry. But until then, we’ll just be friendly online, lightly teasing one another for being a little slutty online.